


All of me wants all of you

by embersandturquoise



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Armie Hammer - Freeform, Bisexual Male Character, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Call Me By Your Name AU, Coming Out, Consensual, Cute Timothée Chalamet, Elio POV, Emotions, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marzia is Elio´s best friend, Masturbation, Protective Armie Hammer, Scared Elio, Smut, Timothee Chalamet - Freeform, Timothée Chalamet Fanfictions, Trauma, elio and oliver, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27893542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embersandturquoise/pseuds/embersandturquoise
Summary: Oliver´s the new guy in class.Elio develops feelings and deals first time with his bisexuality.The boys need to overcome obstacles.AU where Elio and Oliver are the same age.Both are around 17 in this, and everything that happens, is consensual. So I decided to not tag it "underage".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"The things happening when I want somebody close (in no particular order):I get incredibly shy.I´m tongue-tied.I always wait for the other person to make a move.I crave their attention, but can´t afford attempts to show them.I´m frozen.Memories and thoughts mix in my head and it all ends with me fantasizing about what it would feel like to touch him...To feel his skin on mine...To...Kiss...Him...My eyes jerk open and I gasp."
Relationships: Oliver/Elio Perlman
Comments: 44
Kudos: 64





	1. What is it I´m feeling?

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There are some depictions of violence/ Mentioning of past-trauma
> 
> You know where the title´s from ;)  
> I put some guys from Timmy´s other movies in. Kyle hasn´t received a too nice role in here, just for fictional reasons. I usually like Kyle´s character a lot. :)
> 
> I´m still writing this fic, not yet finished, so I put it up to motivate me on working further on it.
> 
> Thanks for leaving kudos and comments.

**What is it I´m feeling?**

I can´t help but stare at the tousled blonde locks in front of me. They are like a nest, a warm pleasant place to rest my hand in. I imagine twirling single strands around my fingers... to breathe in the scent of shampoo... I imagine...

“Elio!”

_Shit._

I blush to my deepest core.

He turns as I walk up to the front desk, keeping my head down, sighing deeply. I tumble and I nearly tip over my feet, but I make it to the slate at last. When I look up, he smiles at me. My heart rushes down to my knees and I immediately forget what Ms. Stevens had been asking me only one second before.

I´m almost grateful when I´m on my way back home. I need time alone. Time to think. Time to get the raging emotions within sorted.

_I´ve never... but yes, surely I´ve felt like this before. Just..._

My cellphone rings. I gaze at the number and curse silently.

“Hey...”

“Hi cutie...”

She goes on for about ten minutes and we end up meeting at the ice-cream parlor.

“What happened in class today?”

She eyes me curiously. I spit out some swearwords. School gossip works faster than you can flush any toilet it seems. And to be honest, I don´t know myself. I shrug my shoulders.

“What exactly do you mean?”

“Pfff...”

She lets out an indignant sound.

“Mr. Know-It-All speechless? They said you looked like your brain had gone blank.”

I can feel her gaze on me. Suddenly she reaches a hand over.

“Is everything okay, Elio? You´re not...”

She swallows and I understand that she´s concerned about me.

“You´re not getting into trouble, right?”

“What? No love. I´m alright. I just...”

I don´t know what to tell her. I´m not arrived at the point yet to admit to myself.

“Please no. Don´t worry. Really. I just had a blackout. Happens to the best of us.”

I wink and she sighs.

We´ve been going out for a good six months last year, just to find we weren´t meant to be. What stayed – or even evolved – after our break-up was our friendship. Marzia is closest to me, had always been, just had we mistaken it for love or something coming very close to love. Maybe it was – in another way. When we finally slept together, it was sobering but she had been tough enough to laugh away our embarrassment – and since then things significantly eased up between us.

“You know I still feel... bad sometimes. About us...”

I begin. She pecks my lips quickly, leaning her small body over the table.

“You mustn´t. I´m alright. I´ve met this guy – Daniel...”

And then she talks. Hours. About his hair, his laugh, his thighs... (why would I want to know about that certain part of his body? She tells me anyway...), the things he says... and I think he sounds nice. I´m happy for her.

I wish I could tell her what really happened in class this morning.

But I´m afraid.

When I´m home finally I lock my door and lay on the bed for a long time.

I toss and I turn but the feeling just won´t go away. I close my eyes and all I see is him.

_The way he exposes unbelievably white teeth when he laughs..._

_The way he strokes strands of his sandy hair behind his ears..._

_How consonants fall roughly from his lips when he´s speaking..._

_How he wiggles his knees..._

I groan and bury my head into my pillow.

I´m hard.

I clench my fists and try to will it away.

_This. Just. Can´t..._

_Why is he doing this to me?_


	2. How it started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio remembers the first day he saw Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, and yes, it is very short. But there´s more to come and longer chapters, too.

**How it started**

It all happened within the brevity of one single gaze.

The announcement of a new classmate had left me untouched. I was quite content with my bunch of friends, not the lot all other guys were running around with, but there were some. I´ve never been the cheeky type or interested in any sorts of sports; I´ve always been more into books and mostly I´m keeping my thoughts to myself. I´m the typical introvert although my mom loves to call me her “social cookie”, when she takes me with her to her usual community activities.

But when he entered the classroom two days ago, something struck me with such intensity, that I needed several attempts to look away and still I didn´t succeed. My eyes clung to his and – I still can´t believe, but – he beamed at me and I felt like I was the centre of the universe for some precious moments.

Ms. Stevens decided to sit him right in front of me, next to Kyle. Fucking Kyle Scheible who immediately hogged him. Anger hit me like a fist in my stomach and I could not understand. The only thing I knew was I desperately wanted him to be my friend.

_ The things happening when I want somebody close (in no particular order): _

_I get incredibly shy._

_I´m tongue-tied._

_I always wait for the other person to make a move._

_I crave their attention, but can´t afford attempts to show them._

_I´m frozen._

Memories and thoughts mix in my head and it all ends with me fantasizing about what it would feel like to touch him...

_To feel his skin on mine..._

_To..._

_Kiss..._

_Him..._

My eyes jerk open and I gasp.


	3. Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio and Oliver work together in a school project.  
> Elio is shy and over-thinking, Oliver makes a first approach.

**Magic**

I grow quiet within the next days. It´s all too much. I don´t want to think the thoughts that constantly keep me from getting on with life.

I try to push the feelings away.

I try not to look at him.

I get sick.

The magic happens one day in chemistry class. We´ve been working on lab projects for some weeks already, and as my partner calls in sick, Dr. Laurence pairs me with the new guy.

My heart starts to pound wildly against my chest as he walks over, hair hanging fluffilyinto his forehead, eyes sparkling underneath. They are the colour of the sea, crystal blue and I´ve already found out the intensity of their colour slightly changes sometimes.

_So much for not looking at him._

I think I could paint the shape of his cupid´s bow without any hesitation.

_If anyone´d ever ask me for something like this._

I watch him from the side as he taps his long fingers on the paper. Neat and dapper cut nails. Sober, look soft. I wonder what he does with them, where they wander to when he´s alone.

I swallow.

“I think you need to update me, Elio.”

I squirm. He knows my name.

“I´m Oliver by the way.”

_Well yes. I know exactly. As if I haven´t practiced your name a thousand times up to now..._

I immediately feel a rush of blood dusting over my cheeks and I hope he doesn´t notice. My insides twitch, he´s much too close. I can smell his fragrance and my body reacts without a warning.

I clench my fists very hard and I open my mouth, try a few times before anything that comes close to a word leaves my lips.

“... put powder... fire... hgmmblll...”

He looks at me agape, blinking... then suddenly giggles explode from his throat.

“You´re sweet. I couldn´t understand anything though.”

I breathe.

And then I forget to breathe.

Strange sounds escape my throat and I fear I might pass out any minute.

_Did he just say – that?_

_W-what??_

I blink and I stutter, searching for something... anything smart to say and then I grab the instruction and hold on to it as if my life depended on that piece of paper.

At least I regain enough composure back to read the steps to him, and I´m finally able to explain and I sound somewhat eloquent. I can feel his gaze on me, he seems... I turn to look at him closer and he blushes.

Turns away.

Clears his throat.

Looks at me again...

“Uhm... I´m not very proud to admit, but... I´m still not sure I get it.”

He shrugs his shoulders and I fall for him more.

We go through the experiment step by step. My breathing gets back to normal and for some time I can just enjoy his proximity, but then I almost forget about it and when he touches his arm to mine and our eyes meet once more, I let go of the testtube and it crashes to the desk with a loud splatter.

He makes a hilarious face and shushes me as I raise up my hands and gesture desperately into the air.

We both giggle and I can feel his locks on my jaw as he leans into me, laughing so hard now that we catch attention of Dr. Laurence, who comes over and just shakes his head before he makes us clean up the place and then asks me to see him after class.

“Oupps...”

Oliver pouts and apologizes. I can´t but smile at him. I like to think that our fingers touch to each others´ more often than necessary when we collect the fragments of the broken glass and put them into the bin cautiously.

He waits for me on the corridor as I come out later from a very embarrassing talk with Dr. Laurence.

“Was it terrible? I´m so sorry I fucked that up. Didn´t want to get you into trouble.”

I shake my head.

_Trouble?_

_How is everyone talking about trouble to me these days?_

I grin.

_Trouble is staring me in the face right now._

_But if that´s trouble, I´ve already signed up to it._

“You didn´t. It´s... it was about something else.”

I lie.

Not literally.

It wasn´t about the crashed glass. It was about me and my performance. Which clearly has to do with – him. So literally... but yes, I´m lying.

“Anyway. I was thinking... this might not be my smartest move, because obviously the other guys think I´m somewhat the cool new guy. But the truth is...”

He stops.

_The truth is..._

The truth is: I drink in every word he says. I thirst for his voice, for the spark in his eyes, for his smile he so generously shares with me.

_The truth is..._

“I´m none of that. And I won´t have it. To be honest; Kyle and his gang scare the shit out of me. I´d rather... I...”

He stutters. My eyes grow wide, I can practically feel the sun radiating from the core of my heart. I smile so hard it hurts.

_He has no desire to be with those guys._

“Yes?”

I breathe out and just now I realize that the corridor has emptied around us. Everybody else must be on their way to the canteen already.

“I thought we... maybe you can explain to me about that project further? I´m really behind in all sorts of science.”

I gulp.

_Words... words... I need words..._

“Do you... have a place you like to go? Somewhere...”

He hesitates again. I have a feeling I know the end of his sentence. Or is it a hope? A hope he would continue with “we can be alone”?

I stutter but no words leave my mouth. My stomach clenches and I feel panic rise. Nausea settles in the centre of my body.

He stares at me, waiting for an answer.

As nothing happens, he pulls a face.

“Erm... okay, just forget about it. You mustn´t. Just...”

He turns.

_Ah fuck, what?_

_Wait. Don´t... Don´t leave..._

_I´m just shy._

_I´m..._

“Wait. Wait... Sorry, I... my brain has trouble thinking recently...”

I shut my eyes and breathe deeply.

Then suddenly words tumble from my lips and I don´t care further.

“I would very much like. And yes, there is a place.”

I bite my lip and tell him. His face lightens up.

“Meet there around five?”

“Yeah sure.”

He nods and I pant. My knees are shaking. He makes a gesture, then smiles again.

“And... Elio...?”

“Hm?”

He touches his hand to my shoulder and a shiver runs down my spine.

“I like you a lot.”

“Uhm... err... thanks.”

He makes a funny face and finally turns. I watch him stride down the corridor until his lean figure gets smaller and smaller and when he finally disappears out of sight, I clasp my flat hand against my forehead.

_“Thanks???”_


	4. The place we met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Elio´s at home, he thinks about Oliver and needs to take care of himself finally.
> 
> Later Elio and Oliver meet at Elio´s berm.  
> They talk and finally things clear up between them.  
> First kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your kudos and comments up to now.  
> Glad you guys enjoy reading this.  
> Finally the boys get in touch. :)

**The place we met**

The afternoon hours stretch. I´d have some homework to do. I could work on my college application. But instead of doing anything I just stare out of my window, trying to memorize every bit of our conversation.

_Has he been trying to tell me something?_

_Is it usual to speak like this if he just wants to be my friend?_

_And do I want him to be... more?_

_If yes, what exactly do I want him to be?_

I feel a stir in my lower body.

_Am I trying to hide? Am I pretending?_

_What is going on with me?_

_I love girls, don´t I?_

_I´ve had some girlfriends, we´ve even had sex._

_I liked it. Very much to be honest._

_I never thought of any other boy._

_I never knew I could feel... this... for another guy._

My throat is getting dry as the bulge in my pants significantly grows. I´ve not had an erection this painful for some time.

_I can´t._

_I truly can´t._

_I can´t even imagine what to imagine exactly._

_Do I want... him... to touch me? There?_

A twitch between my legs.

_Great. Just wait for the day it actually starts talking to me._

I groan in despair and I give in.

My door is locked as always since I´ve started to pleasure myself. Spare my poor mom that view please. I´ve heard enough embarrassing stories from my mates as soon as that started to become an issue.

My hands are shaking as I unbutton my jeans. My fingers barely touch to my length yet, but I can´t suppress a low moan. I slide my hand into my briefs and grab around myself. I´m so hard I´m embarrassed with myself. But as soon as I start to move it feels good. It always does.

I imagine it would be his hand doing this to me, moving up and down, enclosing me tightly, squeezing...

My head falls back and I cough. I won´t last long I know. I feel wetness on my tip already and when I stroke my thumb over it, I bite my lip hard and I almost draw blood because in my head the pictures are spinning.

_His lips._

_His smile._

_The touch of his hand._

I wonder what he wears under those fancy tees.

If his nipples are rosy or dark and how it would feel to close my hand around his erection.

I imagine the curve of his arse and I´m spent. I spill abundantly all over my hands.

“Shit...”

I bang my head against the table and stay like this, not knowing if I should laugh or cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least I feel a bit less tensed when I arrive at my spot. The place I come for reading, writing or just thinking.

_All the books I´ve read here._

_All the adventures I´ve lived._

I smile to myself.

My heart is a mess.

I can´t steady its rhythm, it´s got a mind of his own ever since Oliver walked into my life.

I surrender.

_What else can I do?_

He´s late and I almost lose it, checking my wristwatch every two minutes and I´m about to call him. Then I remember I don´t have his number. My knees get weak and my stomach turns with that miserable feeling of nausea again.

_What if he doesn´t show up?_

_What if..._

Nervously my fingers fly over the keyboard, I´m texting Marzia. I haven´t told her yet.

She replies instantly, calming me with sweet messages.

_She must be stunning if you´re so out of your mind._

_I envy her... ;)_

_She can´t be more happy._

_I´m happy for you. :)))))_

_Love you xx_

She would never expect that this “she” is in fact a “he”.

The sounds of footsteps approaching from behind. I nearly drop my phone but I quickly slip it back into my pocket and decide to leave my hands there as they are trembling violently.

He looks fucking gorgeous. His wonderful bright hair wet, a striped shirt open over what seems to be a white tee, jeans tightly embracing his features, waistband barely reaching over his hipbones. I swallow visibly.

“Hey...”

“Hi.”

He beams and kicks away some pebbles.

“So this is it?”

“Not yet the real thing. Come...”

He follows me through the dense area of wood and we walk silently, until we arrive at the clearing and he escapes a tiny cry.

“Wow... this... it´s beautiful.”

He looks at me and all I can think is _“ **You** are beautiful”_.

“How come nobody´s here?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“Dunno really. No one ever comes here. Maybe this universe-wishing-trick actually works.”  
I giggle and next moment I feel stupid. His lips curl into a wide smile.

“Geee, you´re special. I knew...”

My stomach jumps.

“Uhm...”

_Don´t say “Thanks” again..._

“Err... I don´t think so.”

“You don´t? Why Elio?”

Oliver looks as me as if I am completely out of my mind. Which I am actually.

“I´m... I´m just...”

_Gods, what is it with me? What is it with him?_

I´m losing the capacity to speak. His smile turns soft as he comes closer and I fear my heart will jump out of my chest right now. I will die. I will just die and...

“No one´s ever told you that?”

I shake my head. But...

“Yes, sure. Yes. I mean... what...”

I breathe deeply. I can´t anymore.

“Oliver, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, shoot.”

The ground beneath my feet begins to shake, I´m sure I will pass out. I close my eyes.

“I... I feel very... I think I´m gonna be sick.”

“Huh?”

And then I truly sit down, because my legs don´t hold me up anymore. Oliver lays his arm around my shoulder and waits.

And waits.

I´m not sure how much time passes like this, it feels endless. But I feel good, I feel okay, I feel safe. I feel comfort.

I don´t realize I´m crying until he lifts my chin up and runs a cautious hand through my hair. I sigh.

“Am I confusing you?”

I stare at him, sinking in the words and their meaning. Then I nod.

“I´m confused, yes. I´ve not... I thought... I...”

He heaves a deep sigh.

“I´m sorry. I didn´t mean to. I just... when I saw you for the first time... You never...? I was quasi sure you were giving me signs...”

He laughs but sounds anxious.

_Maybe he´s feeling what I feel?_

_Maybe he´s confused too?_

“Listen... if this is scaring you, I´m okay. I will keep away from you if you ask me to. I don´t want to confuse you. I just thought...”

I tremble and I look at him, I absorb his features like an addict, I drink in every detail, I see how he´s holding back and then I let myself fall into the endless abyss that is his eyes.

“I feel confused. I think about you every minute. I didn´t know... I can´t concentrate. I... Oliver, I was very sure I was...”

I´m about to say “normal”.

He swallows.

“Are you... I mean, did you... I suppose you´ve had boyfriends?”

Finally it´s out and I can breathe again. Doesn´t stop my heart from hammering painful in my chest.

“I´m gay if that´s what you wanna know.”

He smiles at me openly.

“Yes. That´s what I was trying to say. Sorry I´m usually not that bad with words. I don´t speak much but I can. I´m also native American. But something happened with my brain, maybe...”

He grins and nudges me gently at the shoulder.

“I´m quite sure nothing happened with your brain. As far as I can judge you are one of the smartest persons I´ve ever met.”

I blush.

“Am I?”

“Definitely. You need to work on your confidence though.”

I laugh.

“I knew that before you.”

He shakes his head and I watch him breathless. How can anyone my age be that confident and... I´m searching for words again... sure within himself? He seems like he knows exactly who he is and – what he wants.

“You´re staring, Elio...”

“Sorry...”

“Don´t apologize. I like to be stared at. By you especially. I could get used to it.”

His eyes slightly rise. Was that a question? I don´t dare answer.

“What do you think?”

“Right now?”

“That yes. And about... me... you... us?”

I escape something like a gasp or cry or whatever, it sounds so very desperate I embarrass myself over it. Then I dare look over and his eyes pin mine, there´s no escape, and I´m okay with it; I stop to care if this is right or wrong or anything. It doesn´t need a label, it can be whatever it is.

My voice cracks and then becomes a whisper but he does understand every single word.

“I could get used to it, too.”

My eyes flutter down and I see how his throat moves, and I look up again just in time to catch him bowing to me and his eyes shut close, and so do mine and I´m in heaven, I swear I´m in heaven... his lips touch to mine so softly and I´m hard again, I hope he doesn´t see it, too many thoughts, too many emotions and then my mind goes blank, because I feel his tongue in my mouth.

He tastes chocolate and nuts and my tongue goes wild after his, I can´t breathe properly as our kiss turns deeper and heavy and I moan into his mouth and he holds his hand in my neck, tenderly running his fingers into my hair and all I can do is take in.

The way he´s around me, the way he feels on my lips, in my mouth, his scent, his voices...

I never ever want to stop this again.

This is pure bliss.

I´m sure I´ve died or at least that this must be a dream, but it isn´t.

He looks at me quite satisfied, cheeks flushed red and we breathe each other in, our foreheads touching to each others as I finally raise my hand and rest it against his waist.

“You feel unbelievable.”

Sighs fall from his lips as his eyes glue to mine and all I can do is nod and swallow and open my mouth again and move closer because I want more.

We spend the whole afternoon like this, tasting each others´ lips, kissing ourselves away and I´m happy as never before. When we walk back, we´ve told each other everything; I´ve shared my fears with him and we´ve touched carefully and I´m still confused, but not that anxious anymore. He likes me back. I never dared believe that. He does. And whatever this is, I´m okay with it.

I return home with a big smile on my face and I can´t sleep for a long time.

I text him and we spent another hour talking on the phone and then eventually I fall asleep with my phone on my chest and his laugh in my ear.


	5. Confront and Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where´s Oliver?  
> Elio takes a decision and talks to Kyle.  
> Marzia and Elio talk about Elio´s confusion and finally he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, this is the next chapter. I´m writing on this recently and I guess I will post one chapter a week. Glad you like it. Keep comments coming, I really appreciate knowing your thoughts on this chapter. :*

The next morning begins a blur of bliss and my stomach twists with flashing memories. I´m wearing a wide grin on my face throughout breakfast.

Marzia is clearly on the hunt as she spots me. We have about ten minutes left before class starts and she drags me to a quiet corner in the library, pressing the news out of me. I stutter my way through it and the time isn´t enough to get me to the point. Now she knows I´ve met someone and we´ve kissed and that it might get problematic and that I´m confused.

“Aww, my sweet...”

She pats my hair softly.

“I´m so happy for you.”

I blush and I swallow.

“Listen, there´s something...”

The bell rings and I gesture desperately, trying to tell her the important point of it all, but she is in a rush.

“We´ll talk during break.”

I nod and then I run and almost jump into the room, being the last to enter before Ms. Stevens. She eyes me closely as slide onto my place.

I need a few minutes until I realize Oliver´s place is empty.

My heart starts to wrench with every minute passing by.

_Where is he?_

By the end of the first lesson I´m chewing on my nails so hard that I taste the metallic flavour of blood in my mouth.

He doesn´t show up that day.

I´m afraid to ask anybody but I need to know. So I walk up to Kyle and his guys and forget about my meeting with Marzia.

Not my smartest move...

“Jesus... Elio!!”

She clasps her hand to her mouth, eyes open wide and any moment she´ll start to cry. I try not to hiss or show any sign of pain, but it fucking hurts.

“What... o God... come...”

She walks me over to the school nurse who throws me a meaningful look and takes care of my split lower lip. There´s blood drippling down from my brow where Kyle hit me with one of those fucking rings. I close my eyes while the nurse cleans the wound and inside I curl up into tight ball, feeling about to scream. I can´t hide the tears any longer and finally were alone, Marzia and I.

“What the fuck happened?”

She stares at me from dark eyes, concerned, caring.

I tell her everything.

To my big surprise she smiles at me when I´m finished. Heaving a deep sigh, she takes me into her arms, squeezing me a bit too tight for my taste, but I feel her love for me.

“Now it all makes perfect sense...”

she whispers into my neck.

“Does it?”

_And what? What exactly does she mean with that?_

I look at her, my eyes two big questionmarks.

“Yep. Do you remember when you rambled along days and days about that one singer?”

_Ah yes, God... that was during my Boygroup-phase..._

“And this one guy in that movie... how was it called?”

_Okay... maybe there were..._

“And I saw you literally thirsting after Nicolas, you know...”

Now I blush deeply.

“Nic was...”

I try, but she´s right.

_Why did I never notice myself?_

There have been guys all along, I´ve just pushed it aside, those strong feelings, thinking it to be a usual admiration of one teenage boy to another male. And as my father so often leaks presence, I always searched for role models. That´s just...

I pull a face.

“But I was in love with girls. I´ve had girlfriends and we... you know, I loved you. I... we... I had fun with girl... Just last summer... with McKayla? You know, we´ve done it multiple times and it was really good, I made...”

“Shush Elio... it´s okay. No details please.”

“Uhm, sorry. I´m just... I´m not making any sense here. I really don´t think I´m gay. How can...?”

I´m even more confused now than before. Marzia moves closer and takes my hand into hers, sliding her thumb over my palm. I breathe deeply, tears in my eyes again.

_What does all of this mean?_

_Am I gay? And just hadn´t admitted to it by now?_

_Or... if not... what... what am I?_

_No, I really don´t feel like I´m gay, I really love girls..._

_But what then?_

She sees the frustration in my face and nuzzles me.

“No, I don´t think you are.”

“So what? What does it mean?”

“Elio, you know... there´s more than just loving girls or just loving boys...”

I sigh.

“You mean... You think so? Can I... favour both, is that it?”

She shrugs.

“Well yes. That´s exactly what I think, Elio. And it´s exactly what I´ve felt for a longer time. You´ve just not been struggling with it that obviously until now.”

“Yeah, because it never was a threat.”

“Wouldn´t call it a threat, but hmmm.... now there´s Oliver and you really like him and he likes you back and so what? Elio, you are my best friend and I love you. And this is you and it is okay.”

I bite my lip and can´t avoid that a single tear drops from my eye.

“Thanks. It really means the world to me. I´m just... I´m afraid...”

And eventually I start to sob and we sit like that, until the nurse comes back with the urgent advice to see my class teacher about the beating.

We leave and get us some crisps and coke and when we´re home, we spend the afternoon in my room, no one happier than my mom about Marzia visiting. She´s ushering her cookies and juice and complimenting her on her hair, throwing me looks and I know exactly what she means. For her we are still the perfect couple. Which we are actually, just not in the way my mom would love us to be.

Anyway.

I finally find the courage to text Oliver.

_Missed you today. Are you alright?_

Very relieved I pick up my phone as a beep announces an incoming message just seconds after.

_Hey... thinking of you. Had a bad night._

_Stomach problems._

_Should have let you known earlier. Sorry!!_

_I slept all day._

_And then:_

_I was afraid how we´d handle this in class..._

_Loved it at your spot yesterday. Repeat? ^^_

A big smile spreads wide all over my face as I reply with shaky fingers:

_Definitely._

_Be there in half an hour?_

His answer comes instantly:

_Great. Can´t wait to see you. xx_

My heart is a mess.

But a joyful one.

_xx_


	6. Getting closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio meets Oliver after the confrontation with Kyle.   
> They talk and get closer, much closer.

“Oh my... Elio, what happened??? Wha-... who did this to you? Shit. Let me look at this.”

Oliver´s face is a mask of terror. Yes, maybe it would have been better to warn him about my looks, but I was so high on meeting him again, I forgot about pain.

I shake my head as he palms my face with his soft hands. They feel so good on my skin. I close my eyes and give into his touch.

“What... Elio, what happened today?”

I touch my forehead to his and search for his lips. He answers my mouth and for some seconds we lose ourselves in that perfect bliss, and I want more. The bulge in my pants must be obvious for him to feel, I back away a bit, because it leaves me embarrassed how I react to him that strongly. He caresses my cheeks and tenderly touches his fingers to the plaster on my brow.

“Ouch...”

He kisses my wounds and looks at me intently.

“Will you tell me?”

“Yes...”

I whisper and then the words escape my mouth. How I thought Kyle or those guys might know about Oliver and how that earned me words like “twat” and “cunt” and after all when I had found the courage to fight them off with words, it landed me a straight fist into my face.

“Fucking bastard.”

Oliver´s anger is touchable, he´s stirring, his chest heaving up and down, his eyes dark. He´s shaking his head constantly.

“I knew those guys are suckers, I knew it. Wait until I get back to them.”

“Wha- no... Oliver, don´t please. I guess... I just... can´t... please...”

He swallows but then he nods.

“You´re right. They´re not worth it. And tomorrow I´ll be there. They won´t harm you again, be sure.”

I admire him and he must know in the way my eyes pin him. Not just physically and in means of wanting him, he really is such a strong-willed character and I love him for that.

We talk. Lots. He tells me about the time when he found out and soon I discover differences. And after his story I´m pretty sure I´m not gay. It´s just like Marzia said; I most probably like both boys and girls.

“So... do your parents now?”

I dare to ask him. He nods.

“Yes, since last year.”

I pull my knees to my chest and once again I can only find admiration for him, how he is so confident and strong in being himself.

“How did you do it?”

“Hm? Tell them?”

“Yes.”

He chuckles.

“It was awkward. I tried several times, never sure about how and which words to use. In the end I wrote a letter. My plan was to hand it to my mother and give her time to read but then... pfff... There was a boy I liked very much and we had been making out in the school´s toilet once and stuff... hiding, you know. He wasn’t very confident; not out yet, me neither and then one night his parents called...”

He sighs deeply and I immediately have an idea what had happened.

“... well obviously he had told them I was molesting him and my poor mother was the recipient of this unpleasant news.”

“Gosh no... What a...”

I stop and look at Oliver. He nods sadly.

“Say it. Call him asshole. He was. I was devastated, but my mom was great. She came up to me and kissed me, said she´d known it all along and how she loves me and well... that was that. My father was more of a tough nut.”

He laughs and I feel at ease again. 

“Thanks for telling me. I feel much better now. I guess I´ll tell my mom soon.”

He strokes a lock from my forehead and I feel his eyes linger on me.

“Can I come to visit you at home then?”

“Mmmh... would you like to see my place?”

He chuckles.

“Yes, very much, Elio.”

I imagine him there; in my room, on my bed... and a voice must have left my throat because he travels his hand down my neck and pulls me close suddenly.

_Yes. I want him to come visit me. I want us to make love on my bed._

I gasp and break the kiss unintentionally.

“What´s wrong?”

“It´s just... so much. I guess I´m overwhelmed... with all of this.”

I cast my eyes down, embarrassed how I´m so hard and Oliver follows my look. He sighs deeply, then he takes my hand and gently places it onto his crotch.

“I feel exactly the same...”

For the first time ever I touch another guy´s bulge. Mine reacts immediately and I feel a painful twitch in my trousers. I close my eyes. It feels... intense... hot... hard... and I want him to feel the same. I swallow hard as the words escape my lips.

“Please, Oliver... can you also touch me...”

And then I hiss. His hand closes around my erection through the fabric and he squeezes, just a tiny bit but I feel on the verge already. I slam my lips back onto his and our tongues meet in a storm of desire, licking around each other and I palm him through his pants, enjoying the sounds my caress elicits from him.

“Elio...”

He moans and I´ve never been more thrilled to hear someone call out my name. He changes his touch and rubs me, slowly but with pressure in the right places and I press my hardness into his hand, wanting more... more... yes... my stomach tightens, fires burn and I cough as I feel him twitch into my touch and –

“Hnnnngg...”

_Oh my god. I´ve come into my pants._

_Did he notice? I´m not sure._

I keep stroking him and he bucks and his voices get louder and louder.

“Ah... you´re making me come, Elio...”

I can´t... I feel him... he´s so hard and he moves closer, losing our lips now and I look at him as he throws his head back in pleasure and then I feel his pants getting wet and he pants, biting hard on his lower lip.

I leave my hand on him there. I´m flushed red, out of breath and embarrassed and hot at the same time He kisses me hard, still touching me tenderly, until I soften again.

“Ah man... I haven´t done it like this in a long time.”

I can´t speak. It was fireworks all over my body and the only thing I know is, I want us to repeat that. And I want more.

_I want... I definitely want all of him._

Oliver smiles at me lovingly and we intertwine our hands as we walk back. The sun is fading and night is falling around us. We stand for some time, holding hands, kissing and then he looks at me intently, and he smiles when he says:

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

I nod and I couldn´t be any happier.


	7. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety hits Elio at the hardest, but Oliver makes up for it in school.  
> A surprise is waiting for Elio.  
> Oliver attends Elio to his home.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> “So this is where the magic happens?”  
> I watch Oliver walking around my room, touching every single piece he can lay a hand on, as if he is trying to imprint my life on him, trying to know who I am by the view of those books and posters and pictures hung to my wall, by the small amount of memorabilia I keep in my shelf.  
> And here I stand, longing for his lips, longing for his touch. I´m yearning and desiring, I can almost feel the kiss as if it is imprinting itself onto my mouth simply in anticipation of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your lovely comments.

I wake in the middle of the night.

After falling asleep with the memory´s of Oliver´s touch and his lips and... that... my dreams have been warm and blissful. A smile on my lips still, I try to find a comfortable position to sleep further but can´t. I toss and turn, my chest beginning to hurt and my heart suddenly starts racing. Anxiety hits me at the fullest.

_We are boyfriends._

_I´ve never had a boyfriend before._

_What am I supposed to do?_

_And what will the others say?_

_How do we react in school?_

Kyle´s grimace as he watched my face react to his hitting glares vividly in front of my inner eyes.

I am scared.

I am truly scared.

I must have fallen asleep though, but could not find rest this night.

The next morning I´m a mess.

First of all, leaving the house I forget to take my bag with me. I have to walk back two streets and I once again arrive late for class. Ms. Stevens throws me a look, but just nods me to my place silently. Oliver turns slightly as I walk by and we exchange shy smiles.

I hope no one notices.

On the other hand I can´t sit still, I can´t keep my eyes off of him, I can´t wait till break and I want to shout to the world that this gorgeous guy is mine.

“Elio?”

_Shit._

_Not again..._

“Sorry Ms. Stevens. I´ve just...”

She stops me from explaining.

“Just change places with Kyle please.”

_What the...?_

I realize what this means and I guess I start grinning like a loony, when I pack my stuff and move over. Kyle stares at me with disgust and he´s clearly about to say something nasty, but he doesn´t.

I sit down and Oliver nudges my knee under the table. I look at him from the side and his lips form a “Yesss...”

_I can´t._

I´m not able to concentrate anymore.

His thighs are too close, his arm too warm beside mine, his breath to sweet and I scent the fragrance of his shampoo. I need three attempts to write the word “Mississippi” and I haven´t any clue why I am writing this down at all.

The bell rings and we watch the others leave. He bumps his shoulder against mine.

“Park?”

I nod and we head out.

The park is a part of schoolground and mostly used by biology-class or the geeks from literature club to rehearse their little plays. Now, as winter draws near, there are barely other pupils and we are almost sure to be able to talk there, undisturbed.

I stuff my hands deep into my pockets and walk near him. My hands feel magnetically drawn to him, I want to touch him, but here I know I can´t. He seems tense, too.

Finally I speak.

“How are we going to do... this?”

Oliver looks at me and once more I´m struck by the blue of his eyes, I want to sink into his gaze, I want to forget everything around, there´s just nothing that´s important but this. Him. Me. Us.

“You mean... being a couple in school? Are you afraid, Elio?”

I sigh.

“Yes. Very much.”

I point to my eye which still is suffused with a colourful bruise. Oliver looks around, then he wraps his arms around me. I stiffen into his embrace, wanting to be free and let go, enjoy it, but I can´t.

“Don´t let the suckers get to you. I will not admit anyone hurting you, do you hear me? I just won´t.”

My stomach tightens and tears dwell behind my closed eyes.

“I know...”

My voice is barely a whisper.

“I´ve just...”

I look up and I swallow, willing the tears away.

“I´ve never seen any other gay couples around.”

“Really?”

He seems aghast. I shrug my shoulders. Maybe I just never paid attention. It occurs to me that this just can´t be. I mean, this is not the 1990s where everyone still was hiding their sexuality and being “gay” was at once set on the same line with “being outcast”.

But still...

“I guess there are others. And if not...”

Slowly I lose from his embrace and I put my hand in his, our fingers intertwine and the spark in my belly feels much better than all the fear knotting my chest.

The bell sounds from a far.

I take a deep breath and we walk back – hand in hand.

Of course it is Kyle Scheible´s face that grins sardonically at me as we arrive at our classroom.

“Oh yes, I should have taken bets. Jeeez, you´re disgusting.”

He sticks a finger into his mouth and imitates vomiting voices. Oliver straightens up and holds my hand firmly.

“The only disgusting person I see here, is you, Kyle. You and your hypocrite friends. If you have any problem with us, come and talk it over. Try once to solve anything with words instead of your fists.”

They stare at each other and to my big surprise Kyle´s eyes flutter and he looks away. Turns to see if his wonderful friends are near, but they´re not. He gulps realizing Oliver´s height and that most probably Oliver would be the one winning a fight if they´d ever go for this.

He steps aside and we enter the classroom.

Ms. Stephens looks up, her eyes quickly glancing over our hands and she smiles.

“You´re okay, Elio?”

“Yes, thanks.”

She shows me some papers.

“I´ve something for you. You know, we´ve talked about it with your parents last term.”

I take the papers and a flush of joy emerges in my chest.

“Oh wow, they really accepted?”

“Yes. Did you ever doubt it?”

I exchange looks with Oliver and his eyebrows rise as he reads the address printed on the header. _“The Julliard School of Performing Arts.”_

“You´re a musician then?”

Oliver smiles at me, his eyes wandering over my fingers.

“Piano, yes. And I play the guitar. But this is an audition for piano. I guess I´ll play some Bach.”

His eyebrows rise and I can feel how he connects with that thought.

“Would you play for me one time?”

My heart skips a beat. I draw nearer as the other classmates come dropping in, whispering into Oliver´s ear:

“Come with me this afternoon. I´d love to show you.”

He grins and my day is perfect.

And then this perfect day turns into an even more perfect afternoon, because Oliver attends me back to my home. Mom is still at work, so we have the place for ourselves. I find Moussakka in the fridge and heat two portions for us. Oliver devours his in a quick pace as we talk. Sitting opposite me, we share glances, we laugh and now and then his feet shuffle over mine. The tension hanging in the air mounts to an unbearable high. I know exactly how I want this day to end and us being alone here seems like a magic coincidence. I try to keep myself busy with tidying up but then we finally walk over and he admires the grand piano standing in our living room.

“Show me?”

He begs, his tall body leaning comfortably against the instrument´s side, watching closely as I sit down and position my fingers. I take a long breath and close my eyes, and then I begin to play. I´ve altered the original version just the tiniest bit and I´m curious if he gets it.

He does.

He grins at me and the beam in his eyes is unmistakable.

“You changed it. I know that piece.”

I nod, triumphant over what exactly I don´t know, but still... He´s not even a musician. But I love to see him aghast, to have him appreciate my skills and it´s not just that – there´s a gleam in his eyes and he swallows and I know, because I feel the same.

“Wanna go upstairs? See my room?”

We both know I´m not talking about my room.

He doesn´t answer, he just grabs my hand and follows me.

“So this is where the magic happens?”

I watch Oliver walking around my room, touching every single piece he can lay a hand on, as if he is trying to imprint my life on him, trying to know who I am by the view of those books and posters and pictures hung to my wall, by the small amount of memorabilia I keep in my shelf.

And here I stand, longing for his lips, longing for his touch. I´m yearning and desiring, I can almost feel the kiss as if it is imprinting itself onto my mouth simply in anticipation of it.

He turns and his eyes wander from my head to my toes and then back. He stares at my lips. I lock the door and then with two long steps I approach him and he spreads his arms to welcome me in a loving embrace. I´ve already opened my mouth, asking him to answer my plea and he does.

After a while I´m heated and he is, too. I feel him pressing hard against my own arousal and in need for more friction I begin to move into him, to roll my hips and I gasp, it feels too good and I want to get rid of the fabric between us. I want skin, I want to feel him, I want his cock against mine, I start to pant and I guess I´m wet. I start to fumble with his fly, get him out and then I find myself sinking down and...

“Oh wha-...”

He throws his head back and his eyes flutter close. I smile around him. He likes it. I can give him pleasure. To see him like that makes me even harder and I try sucking him in. His hand in my hair, pulling... he moans...

“Ah Elio... wait... wait...”

I look up. He pulls me close and we kiss again. I want to tear his clothes apart, I´m completely lost in the sensation that builds up from the centre of my body. I need more, I need him closer, I want...

I step out of my pants and throw my shirt away and I´m naked. I´m completely vulnerable now and I want him to see me, to love me like that. He gulps and his voice is hoarse as he looks down on me.

“You´re beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful boy...”

We sink onto the bed and I draw away from him, searching in my drawer. He leans up on his elbow, caressing my hips and my tummy, his forehead wrinkled.

“What are you doing, Elio?”

I blush.

“Was searching for... you know...”

Apparently I don´t find what I´m looking for and I throw him a desperate look.

“Do you have condoms with you?”

His mouth drops open.

“Ah... gosh, Elio. You... err... yes, I guess I do. But...”

_But?_

I feel awkward. Horny. Lost.

I feel embarrassed.

Silence falls between us. Then he moves closer, still in his pants, which are open but I had not managed to get them off. I feel strange.

“Come here, love.”

First time ever he calls me that. My heart grows. My groin hurts. I´m so hard and I need release. I wanted it to be...

He kisses me tenderly and whispers words around my neck.

“Don´t rush. Please Elio... I want that, too...”

“But?”

“No but. Just... let´s take some time. You´ve never done it before.”

Right, I haven´t. I´m literally a virgin again. I cast my eyes down. Oliver holds my chin and strokes his thumb over my upper lip. I go after his finger with my tongue.

“It´ll need some... preparation.”

He shrugs. I have an idea what he is talking about.

“Okay... then... how about you showing me... that?”

He moans.

“God, Elio. You´re so hot. You don´t believe yourself, don´t you? I can´t think about anything else. I want... I want...”

He swallows. Then he runs his hand down my spine, to the curve of my back, further down... there... oh fuck...

I gasp.

“Is it... are you okay?”

I bite my lip and nod.

_Yes, okay. Very okay. Please go on, more... more... this is unbelievable..._

“Gnnnnn...”

I look down, surprised as I see the mess all over my tummy.

I´ve come untouched.

“Shit...”

“No... no no no... it´s beautiful, you were beautiful, you are so raw, Elio.”

He pulls me close and his hand encloses around my cock, over-sensitive and hard still, and he strokes me gently, then he just holds me in his palm and I relax.

When we kiss goodbye in the dark, my heart is full.

I´m sure I´m in love with him.

I watch him part and I sigh.

My mum looks at me lovingly as I sneak back in.

“Who´s your new friend?”

“Err... uhm... his name´s Oliver. We´re working on a chemistry project.”

Oh! How my words so suddenly get a second meaning.

She looks at me for a long time, with those motherly eyes and I guess she knows. She knows in that way, only mothers do.

“You look happy, Elio.”

I am.


	8. Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle goes against Elio and Oliver once more.  
> Oliver has a secret.  
> Elio comes out to his mother.

My mother´s just great. Has left me with my happy feeling for days and I guess she knows anyhow and she´s alright with whoever I´d chose to be with. I finally gather the strength to talk to her.

“Mum... about Oliver...”

She´s slicing potatoes for dinner and gives me a warm, open look from her dark eyes. I stutter, clear my throat, try to find the right words, my head feels hot suddenly.

“Why don´t you bring him for lunch tomorrow? I´m curious to know him. You like him a lot, right?”

I nod.

“Yes. Actually... to be honest... mum...”

I take another deep breath and them I mumble something inaudible.

“I´ll make French toast and apricot juice. You guys need to eat properly and then you can tell me all about that project you´re working on.”

“Ffff... yes, we´ll do that. I´ll ask him to come over.”

_Oh my God._

_I just couldn´t..._

But I´m excited, because he will be our guest and he will get to know my family. We chat for about an hour and then I throw myself onto the bed, not being able to think of anything else than Oliver. Later in the evening I remember there was homework to do and I cuss, but I sit down and work my way through math and English poetry.

It feels as if everything now reminds me of Oliver, even when I sneak through my edition of “Wuthering Heights”. Not in the tragic, dramatic events for sure, but regarding the depth of feelings and all the tension in there. I guess all writers have been teenagers once in their life and we all still suffer through their long lost desires.

At least I depict a great essay on some chapters and I´m sure Miss Stevens will be proud of me. I think of drama class for some time and if Oliver would want to join me in that. I´ve heard they are planning a trip to join some school competition. We could go there. Be on our own. Alone there. Together...

I fantasize a lot before I fall asleep that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh that´s so great. I´d love to.”

Oliver´s cheeks dust to a tiny pink understanding that my mom has him invited today. I can´t but grin all day; classes are boring and Kyle throws us looks from time to time but I´m happy. I´m so fucking happy.

We walk home singing and giggling, and for some moments I feel stupid again but then I look at him – and he´s doing the same silly things, laughing around me and I feel alright.

“Hey fuckers.”

We turn our heads.

_Kyle..._

And some of his muscled friends, all staring us down, walking around us quickly until we´re cornered.

In a quiet street that seems deserted at these times of day.

“What´s on, Kyle?”

Oliver raises his eyes and stands tall. I still have to breathe deeply seeing how huge he really is. _Does Kyle really think...?_

“You´re disgusting.”

“Fags.”

“You´re gonna catch some blows for that.”

And without warning one of the blokes grabs around my neck and pulls me down to the ground. My head hits the plain pavement and for seconds there´s blackness. I try to breathe slowly but I can´t. Anxiety hits again, full throttle and I start to scream. I taste blood in my mouth.

Then I hear a growling sound, furious, loud and I start to wonder where it comes from, but my neck is being let go and I can finally breathe again. I crawl away, not opening my eyes, whimpering, just listening to the sounds. Terrible sounds.

Then everything numbs out and I lose conscience.

“Shit, Elio... I´m so sorry. Come...”

Oliver´s intense blue eyes above me, his face... contorted with pain. _Is he okay? What...?_

“I´m... what happened? Where are...?”

My tongue moves around my swollen lips and I sound strange. I run a hand through my face and hold it before my eyes. Blood.

“I can´t go home like this. I... Shit, are you okay, Oliver?”

“Yes, don´t worry. They won´t come after you again. I swear.”

“What did you do?”

He smirks.

“Used my training in Karate. You know, self-defense.”

“Oh.”

I feel dumb.

_Why is this happening?_

_Again..._

“We need to tell your mum.”

“NO! No, fuck we can´t. She... no I can´t let her see me like this.”

“Elio, this is serious. I won´t let them get away with that. She has to know. She has to...”

I´m crying.

_What the fuck is wrong with me, whimpering and crying so much recently?_

_Shit._

“I don´t want... please...”

He takes me into his arms and I feel safe. This is the place where I belong.

_Comfort me._

_Hold me._

_Love me._

I look up and there are tears in his eyes.

“Please, Oliver... can I come to your place? Please...”

He sighs and huffs, thinking for a longer time but then he nods.

“Okay. But please Elio... let me at least call your mum. Will you?”

I sigh.

“Yes.”

“He´s a fucking brat.”

Fortunately no one´s home and we´re alone in his palace. This place really can´t be called anything else. Oliver lives in one of those huge villas downtown. I assume there must be more than five bathrooms and at least ten chambers. My eyes grow wider and wider as we walk up to his room.

“Wow... this is... what does your family do exactly? Oliver, this... wait, is that a pool?”

He blushes deeply.

“Yes, it´s a pool. Please Elio... I´m really not keen about living here. They made a fortune from selling computer chips, but don´t make me educate you about the details. My siblings have all long left...”

He smiles lightly and for the first time I realise there´s sadness behind his joyful attitude.

“So, no one´s here right now?”

It´s less a question than a fact. He shrugs.

“Common. I´m alone most of the time. Business...”

“Oh!”

I don´t know what to say, just that I feel like I want to hug Oliver and be the one who keeps him company. I did never expect Oliver to be lonely.

“Yap. That´s the place. But come, let me clean your face.”

My head starts to hum suddenly and I remember that I´ve been hit. Again.

Oliver smoothes some pads over my cheek, warm with water, soaking the blood off and then he cleans each and every wound with gentle and soft fingers. I almost let out inappropriate moans but something is tingling underneath.

“Oliver can I... You never wanted me to come here in first place, right?”

He´s caught off guard, the fluffy pad drops to the floor and he backs away some inches.

“Look Elio... it´s just... I´m not feeling safe here. It´s...”

He stops.

“It´s strange though. I did have the feelings you were close with your parents, after what you´ve told me about your coming-out?”

His eyes tear up immediately.

_Shit._

I must have said something terribly wrong. I just I can´t figure it out.

“Oliver?”

His face contorts with pain, his own pain this time and suddenly the pieces fall into place.

_His parents..._

He takes a deep breath, then sits beside me and reaches over a hand. I take it and try to comfort him, stroking his palm tenderly. I feel how his big hands shake.

“This... this is where I live. But... Ah shit, Elio...”

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him close. And I hold him.

“So you don´t live here with your parents?”

He shakes his head.

“Oliver... may I ask...?”

But I don´t. He speaks before me.

“These are my uncle and aunt. They have been chosen to look after us until we´re of age. Last remains of my family. I can´t await the day I can move out.”

Oliver straightens up and puts on a smile.

“I really didn´t plan to bother you with this. That´s why I was so keen to know your mum. She sounds so nice.”

He´s right.

“I understand now. Would you... Oliver, I´m truly sorry. Had I known... I didn´t want to make you feel bad. Shall we... just get over to my place and then I´ll tell my mum what happened?”

“Yes please. Do so. And let her take care of you.”

The meaning of his words give me a stitch.

We arrive home late. Mum seems a bit concerned and then she sees my face. She cries out terrified.

“Again? Who´s doing that to you, sweetie? And why?”

I withstand to stop her from calling me that in front of Oliver. She hugs him and thanks him for caring for me.

“So good you have been with Elio. What´s wrong with these guys? Why do they beat you up?”

We sit down on the couch, Oliver smiling and me looking around uncomfortably. He nudges me gently, trying to get me to speak up. I stutter.

“Ah... phew... Kyle... he´s... there´s always guys he threatens or beats up . Don´t know really...”

Oliver clears his throat. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

“Mum... there´s something... something I need to tell you.”

He flinches beside me.

_Am I gonna do that now? Really?_

“Are you okay, Oliver? Would you like some water?”

“W-wha...? No, thanks Mrs. Perlman. I think I´m gonna need to use the bathroom.”

“Oh yes, sure. Elio, would you show Oliver?”

I nod and we walk into the corridor. He grabs me by my shoulders.

“I´m gonna stay a while. You can do this, Elio. This should be between the two of you.”

And he closes the door behind him. I breathe out and return to the living-room slowly.

“Sweetheart, what is it? You look pale. And you´re... don´t know how to say it. You´ve changed within the last days. Something is bothering you apart from those guys. Am I right?”

My stomach clenches. But all I can see in my mother´s eyes is love and understanding. So finally...

“Mum... I´m...”

I swallow and take another breath.

“I´m in love with Oliver. He´s my boyfriend.”

I sigh. It´s out. Finally.

I feel relieve flooding my body. With a bit of anxiety, I steal a glance at my mum. She looks at me for a long time, frowning at first then beaming and eventually she wraps me into a tight embrace.

“Ah my Elio. He´s making you happy. I´m so happy for you, love.”

“Uhm...”

She holds my face with her palms, ruffles my hair and smiles.

“Have you been afraid to tell me?”

“A bit, yes... I was confused.”

“I can see, yes. Just... Elio, this is beautiful. He seems a very nice young man. Bring him more often. He´s very welcomed. Ah, first love... I envy you a bit...”

Strange how she calls it first love, but yes, with a boy it is. I feel a big burden fall from my heart and I can breathe freely again.

“Thanks Mum. I´m glad you like him.”

“Whatever´s best for you. And now we´re gonna talk about this Kyle. Get Oliver back in. I´m not that old, I know he was giving you time to talk.”

She winks and I grin.

Oliver sneaks back in, smiling shyly, but Mum takes him into her arms immediately and we exchange looks. I give him a thumb up and he nods.

Then we talk the matter with Kyle and Mom thinks it best to call Kyle´s parents. I´m not that convinced if that will do any good, but what else shall we do? Oliver shrugs.

“My... family surely won´t engage in anything, I can promise.”

There´s this sadness again and I´m more than grateful for my wonderful parents.

“What do you think, Elio?”

my mother wants to know.

“I´m not sure. I think it might get us in even more trouble. Can we not... I don´t know, try to talk with Kyle at first?”

Oliver sighs.

“In a safe environment. Class for example.”

“You should definitely tell your teacher. She seems a nice understanding woman. I´m pretty sure she won´t make it that hard for Kyle. And believe me...”

I look at my mother, stern.

“Mom, he´s hit us. Me, to be precise. Twice. And he´s... sorry, but he´s an asshole.”

Mom pats my shoulder.

“I know Elio, I´m not saying it´s okay. But maybe there are reasons.”

I sigh and look at Oliver again. _If anyone has reasons..._ But I give in.

“Okay I´ll talk to Ms. Stevens. Tomorrow.”

“Good.”

As we´re through with it, Mom starts cooking and Oliver leaves late in the evening. We spend a lot of time kissing in the front yard and my stomach fills with butterflies.

“See you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

“Tomorrow.”

I can´t reply properly. I feel... a lot and I long to tell him. Say these words, make him know I love him, but just now I feel it´s too early.


	9. Some weeks later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The matter with Kyle resolves.   
> Elio comes out to his father in a way not planned.  
> The boys finally speak up.
> 
> Lots of fluff leading to some smut. 😉  
> Enjoy 😘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all who are following this story. I try to update it once a week but at the moment the story enfolds a bit slower. Still I´m very glad and appreciate everyone who comments or leaves kudos. 
> 
> I still love those boys.

And then some matters resolve themselves – quasi.

After the talk with Ms. Stevens, Kyle had mumbled some excuses to us, but I was sure he didn´t mean it. He was just embarrassed to have been caught. And although Ms. Stevens handled the happenings very nice and cautious, Kyle´s parents apparently did not. He has stopped coming to school since and rumour has it he has been sent to some camp. I don´t feel very well knowing that there might truly be a reason for his behaviour, but I think it´s no longer my business.

So school finally runs well for us. I enjoy sitting with Oliver and we have fun during classes, though Ms. Stevens recently caught us playing some silly game under the table and sincerely asked me to concentrate on my studies. She´s right and I´m thrilled to join the audition at Julliard in the summer, so I better focus on that. And English poetry, which still isn´t my favourite subject, but Oliver´s. We´ve spend hours in my berm; reciting, reading, discussing and now I´m more into it. So all in all Oliver´s changed me. The time with him really is mesmerizing and I´m still very excited every time his face appears and lightens up just because he spots me. I haven´t dared to tell him yet, but I think the time might come soon.

Still there´s the issue with Oliver´s family.

He never spoke about it again but I can sense how it affects him. He spends a lot of time at our place and one morning after he has slept over, my father calls from downstairs for breakfast.

“Ah man, Elio, you´re so gifted with your parents. Really, I envy you.”

Oliver cuddles closer and I kiss the curve of his neck.

“They´re great, I know and I appreciate that. Oliver...”

“Hm?”

“Would you like to talk... about your parents, I mean?”

He inches away slightly, his body tensing significantly.

“It´s okay, we don´t need to. I just wanted to let you know, I´m here. Whenever you´re ready. And if not, it´s also okay. Just...”

He swallows.

“It´s not that I don´t want... it´s...”

And then the tears start dropping from his eyes and before I can do anything at all, he´s holding on to me for dear life and he sobs, he cries and whimpers and my stomach clenches. It hurts to see him like that and I´m sure I can´t do a single thing about it.

And at exactly that moment my father steps in. We must have overheard him knocking, because he usually does that - knocking. He would never just rush in.

“Elly-Belly... oh!”

He´s startled by the sight of us embracing. I was just nuzzling Oliver´s hair and I might have kissed his ear, but now I´m not sure.

“Erm... dad... we...”

He searches for words looking from me to Oliver and back; he´s truly lost for a moment but then he regains his usual composure and a warm smile appears on his face.

“Breakfast boys. Whenever you´re ready.”

Then he steps backwards, holding up a thumb to me and I blush.

_Okay, I guess in terms of coming-out I´m through..._

Oliver looks up, covers his face and quickly tries to wipe away the tears.

“We can stay here. It´s okay. Just take your time.”

“Thanks Elio...”

We sit like this for a while, and he softly breathes in and out and all I do is hold him, watch the emotions mirror on his face until he´s calm again and nods.

“Let´s go. Thank you again. I really want to tell you... someday.”

I gulp and I feel my heart burn.

“Okay...”

My father lets his eyes wander over Oliver and then me and I can almost hear him think. I blush a bit every time I look up and ask for something and I try not to stare as Oliver opens his egg because... my body seems to think it´s the most enticing thing ever in the world.

I catch my father chuckling and he smiles at me when our eyes meet.

I sigh and make a face. I guess that means he´s okay with it.

When we´re back in my room later, Oliver leans into my embrace and rests his head in the curve of my neck.

“I love staying here. Your family´s just great. Do you know, Elio?”

“Yes I know...”

My lips find his and from that moment on I can´t think anymore. He rolls me over and suddenly I find myself on the floor, Oliver´s body pressed to mine and I moan into his mouth. Our hands are everywhere and I dare to move mine into the back of his jeans, eliciting deep low groans from him when I touch his ass cheeks. I´m already craving to taste him once again but his lips wander down and he pulls me out of my shirt and then I have to bite my knuckles because he draws delicate circles around my nipples, taking them between his lips first before he adds teeth and watches my reaction closely.

“Go on... good...”

_Oh my god, this feels... unbelievable._

He licks and sucks my nipples and jolts of electricity rush down to my groin, my cock painfully hard in my suddenly too tight jeans.

“Get me off... please... Oliver I need...”

He´s flushed and his eyes are dark as he looks at me.

“I love how you say things, baby...”

_Calling me baby..._

I feel hot and desired and loved and everything at once.

He opens my pants and slips a hand in, enveloping me but not moving. I wriggle out of my jeans, boxers and then I watch him bow down and I sigh. He touches me in exactly the right way, alternating pressure and pace so that I´m constantly kept on edge. I´m panting.

“I´m gonna come soon...”

He crawls up to me and kisses me and this might even be better than touching my cock.

“And how do you want to come, Elio?”

“Hm?”

My eyes fly open. He grins at me and licks his lips before he touches them to mine again, his tongue licking cautiously inside. Then he moves his mouth to my earlobes, tickling me briefly before he whispers hoarsely:

“Hand or mouth?”

“Fffffuck...”

I can´t speak coherent, so I let my hands be the answer. I guide him down and hold his neck, let my fingers run through his thick blonde hair while he takes me in his mouth. I don´t last long, it just needs some licks and Oliver manages to suck me in one time before I spill myself violently.

We lay naked for some time. He kept rubbing himself against my hips and my hand was on his behind again, doing what he had done to me last time and now we´re both warm and wet and as we still press our bodies against each other, our relieve mixes on our heated skin.

I can´t barely breath, this was hot and wonderful and I crave for more. More things like this. And other things... I want him inside. I want to be in him. I am a mess of want and lust.

Oliver chuckles lowly around me.

“You liked that?”

“Very much... I... I can´t get enough of it.”

“Me neither.”

He inches away a bit and looks at me intently.

“Elio...”

“Oliver...”

And then we both close our eyes and whisper the words. And my heart is filled with utter joy.

_He loves me._


	10. Oliver´s story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and Elio attend a school trip. Finally Oliver is able to tell the story of his parents.
> 
> It´s a relatively short chapter, I didn´t want to go toö deep into the dramatic part. It´s a bit sad, and I should add TRIGGER WARNINGS because of past trauma mentioning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is completed, so I will post once a week. There are three more chapters to come before the story is wrapped. Thanks for all who still go along with the story. Comments are life :)

“I can´t believe you´re really dragging me to this.”

Oliver rolls his eyes as he reads the banner.

“Young dramatists...”

he mutters.

“How did you convince her that was for me in the first place?”

I snicker.

“Mmmh... dunno. Your take on “The Great Gatsby” maybe? Your essays on every book we´ve read this term?”

We laugh. It´s not really about that. Oliver is a great student. What he lacks in chemistry or the other scientific classes, he makes up for in English literature. Ms. Stevens didn´t even ask for a paper, she registered him without any hesitation.

So, here we are. Class trip. Actually we are only five. Not everyone is interested in selling himself during a monologue with a room full of students and teachers watching. But I´m sure Oliver will be impressive in the end.

“I can withdraw from that monologue, can´t I?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“I guess. It´s not a must. But for the team... Oliver, listen. I think you will be remarkable.”

“I´ve just never done that before. And I´m not interested in a theatre career at all.”

“I know. Just... Could you do it for me?”

He smiles and pulls me down with him to the bed. Of course we have separate rooms, but that doesn´t keep us from visiting each other. In fact, we´re staying in my room only, he even has his toothbrush in my tiny bathroom. It´s a nice little hotel room with just one bed, not that we complain. I look forward to some nights, tightly cuddled together and the rest I don´t care about much. I have a monologue prepared and I plan to rehearse it with Oliver and in the evenings we meet up with the guys from other schools. Ms. Stevens took us for dinner during our ride here and there´s gonna be a dance tomorrow.

I´m excited.

The days fly away. I wish I could stop time a bit, it is a piece of heaven, just us here. We have way more freedom and time together.

We lie on our backs outside the building. It´s the next to last evening, night crawling over the earth, some stars appear and I breathe deeply.

“I love this.”

“Hm?”

I turn to the side and our eyes lock. He knows exactly what I mean.

“Us you mean?”

I grin.

“It´s not bad. Not bad...”

“You´re such a tease, Elio.”

He rolls me on top of him and we bury our lips against each others´.

“I wish we could just...”

Oliver whispers.

“We could... there´s no one around.”

“Gods, Elio... I love you.”

“I love you, Oliver.”

I could cry and he could do anything with me right now, I swear. Anything, everything, whatever. _Just don´t ever leave. Take me, I´m yours – wherever, whenever._

I kiss his neck softly and he moans as we roll our hips.

After we´ve made out a bit, we spend time just breathing and staring into the dark. I love how he is so close to me, how his warmth mingles with mine, how he feels just like an elongation of myself. He belongs to me as well as I belong to him. We are one, not the same, but we are one. I take a deep breath and cuddle closer.

Something wets my hair. I feel drops tickling down my cheek and I taste salt as they pass my lips. I slowly raise my head and catch Oliver crying... He can´t barely breath, he´s helplessly shaken. My heart thuds wildly and I hurt as I see the pain on his face.

“What´s wrong?”

_How come he is crying, now that everything is perfect?_

“I´m...”

He sobs some more before he is able to get out some coherent words.

“I just remembered that one holiday...”

“Oh...”

My heart sinks and I feel dumb. How can I live like this, just in the moment while he is reminded of his parents even in the moments he truly is happy? I embarrass myself of my lack of compassion in situations like these.

“Do you wanna talk?”

I sit myself up on my elbows and stare at him. He nods.

“Yes. Yes please.”

“Okay... I´m here. I´m listening. I´m here for you.”

And with tears rolling again he starts.

“I must have been around six or seven years. My father was working on commission that time, and there were only few weekends when he was home or when we could share time with him at all. But he made up for it every single time. This one time...”

He chuckles and I can feel how the memory lives in his mind, he stares into the dark air in front of him, a thin smile playing on his lips, his eyes shiny.

“... we drove up to Boston and he showed us around. All the parks and the places he grew up. He took us for ice-cream and to the movies, it was very special. My mother was happy when he was there, I always thought of my parents as the most genuine couple. They definitely were soulmates...”

My heart skips a beat.

_Exactly how I feel with you..._

Oliver swipes away some tears and smiles at me.

“We went to a park one evening and we did exactly this. Lie down in the grass and then my father explained stars and constellations and my mother told us goodnight stories and... I just felt so loved and everything was right, you know...”

He breathes a very deep breath and his face contorts again.

“I just miss them so much. I would have wanted them to meet you. To see that I´m happy. To feel like that again.”

“I know...”

I pull him close and I hold him.

“I´m here, Oliver. You can let go. It´s okay. I´m with you.”

And he does. He cries until he can´t cry no more. Then, at what feels like an eternity later, he looks up and kisses my cheek.

“They would have loved you, Elio. Especially my mother. When I told her... I mean when, well you know when they knew I was gay, she always said how she wanted me to find a nice guy who loves me with all of his heart. And for me... you are all that.”

I can´t avoid to shed some tears. I´m deeply moved.

“I know they must have been great. They made you and look who you are today.”

Oliver smiles and finally he looks a bit more at ease.

“Yes I know... You never think about it before it... happens. I´ve never expected to lose them. It was all... it just...”

He swallows and looks away.

Everything needs to unleash now and I just wait. I can bear it, I can do for him.

“It was a car accident. Everybody told me they were dead the moment the other car hit. So at least they did not suffer. I was... I was supposed to go with them... I should... Elio... Why...?”

I can´t find the words to speak. Life is more than unfair sometimes. How can people as lovely as his parents be torn from life, torn away from their children just like that? I won´t ever understand and I´m not even trying to.

“I´m... Oliver... I... what...”

“Don´t... you don´t need to say something.”

So I don´t.

We just sit there and breathe, and he sobs against my shoulder and whispers the rest of the happenings and all I can do is feel with him. It breaks my heart to see him suffer, to see him grieve.

Eventually he looks up and embraces me and the expression I read on his face is gratefulness.

“Thanks Elio... for listening. I´ve never told anyone before. Friends I mean... Of course I´ve seen someone. But you know...”

“Having someone to speak about it doesn´t necessarily mean you can speak to them.”

Our eyes meet and he nods.

“Exactly that.”

“I love you, Oliver. Just know I´m here for you. Always. Whatever comes you can count on me.”

He sighs and then we kiss and then we watch the clouds for some minutes more before we walk back in.


	11. First time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title is a total spoiler - and yes, it is exactly that.
> 
> Elio is planning a romantic weekend. It get´s a bit awkward though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That´s the chapter I´ve been waiting to write since I started this story. I truly hope it is genuine. I had fun with my guys here and I love them by heart. Not everything works out quite well, but okay... it is truly the first time, at least for Elio.
> 
> Let me know how you like this. :)

“Tadaaaa....”  
Oliver is struck and I laugh hard at his adorably confused face. He has absolutely no clue why I´m presenting him with one of those tiny chocolate cakes.  
“It´s not my birthday. And as far as I know yours is yet to come... erm, Elio... what... I really don´t know... Did I miss a date?”  
He´s almost desperate. I nudge him closer and kiss his lips softly.  
“Neither. We´re going out for four and a half months now.”  
“Ah this! Well, that´s a number. How could i forget that?”  
He rolls his eyes and grins.  
“Blow...”  
I whisper.  
“What? Here? Right now?”  
he teases me. I hit him at the shoulder tenderly.  
“The candle you idiot.”  
He snickers and then blows on the candle. We sit down and share the small cake. I´m proud. He´s actually the one person I´m going out with the longest. We´re having a real relationship and my heart warms with this thought.  
“Uhm, Oliver...?”  
“Hm?”  
“I was thinking... about this weekend. What about we go to the movies? And then... would you want to sleep over at us? Stay for the whole weekend? Would your uncle and aunt allow?”  
Oliver shrugged.  
“You know they don´t care. So yes, sure.”  
My heart jumps and for the next two days I play out my vision of this weekend thoroughly in my mind.

And then it´s perfect.  
Almost.  
I begged my mom to arrange a basket with fruits and bread and all sorts of things and I even helped her prepare lasagne and some more delicious stuff, I indeed helped in the kitchen all forenoon and I´m very content as Oliver stumbles into my room and spots the neatly decorated place.  
“We´re having a picnic? In your room? How sweet is that...?!”  
We kiss and I bite my lip.  
“There´s cupcakes later... with cream...”  
He raises one eyebrow and looks at me intently. My knees give in and my heartbeat fastens.  
“Do you have any special plans for this weekend, Elio?”  
“Uhm...”  
 _Well, yes... I have..._  
I think of the condoms I finally managed to buy and – what was a bit more delicate and somehow embarrassing but then who cares... – the lube, which now sits patiently inside my drawer, waiting for the right moment just.

We sit down on the blanket and start feeding each other tiny bits of everything.  
“Strawberries... mmmmh...”  
I knew he would like that. He takes one and lets it dangle right in front of my eyes, never letting me out of his sight and then he brushes the sweet wet fruit over my lips and I sigh. I close my eyes and let my tongue dance around the flesh, accidentally hitting his finger and then I cautiously bite. The juice runs down my chin and next moment Oliver´s tongue is licking it away from there and then I´m pushed down, I hear the tingling of glass and something gets wet beside me but I don´t care. Oliver licks my throat and starts to suck at a very delicate spot and I can´t keep my moans in. He crawls back up and dips his tongue into my mouth, tasting for the rest of the strawberry flavour, licking the insides of my lips.  
“Oliver...”  
I escape, my voice shivering and low and my lips hungry for more.  
“Elio...”  
Then he´s gone but I feel his warm hands under my tee, searching for my nipples and I pull him close, biting and licking his skin wherever I can reach, my fingers opening the buttons of his shirt, sliding beneath and down to feel his hardness and he presses into my touch.  
His lips around my nipples, his teeth... – _fuck, I didn´t know before this could feel so good_ , he alternates between tongue and teeth and then he sucks them in completely until they stand hard and I feel rushes of heat from there to my groin and there´s just one thing... just one...  
“Oliver... please...”  
He groans and bucks his hips against mine and I rub my erection against his, _I need friction, I need to come..._

He unbuttons my pants and I do the same to him and finally we are naked and we look at each other as if we´ve never been naked before. I´m panting and I know I must look a mess, my chest and stomach flushed from arousal, my breath in no particular order, my heart racing with desire and all he does is look at me and devour me with his eyes.  
“You really want it, Elio? We can wait, you know? Or maybe...”  
He bites his lip and I´m confused. Angry a bit.  
“I´m sure, Oliver. Very sure. Don´t you want me?”  
“Yes I want you, Elio. I want you so much. I´m just... How are we...?”  
I giggle. I adore him when he´s so shy and tongue-tied suddenly.  
“I want you in me. Like this.”  
I pull him close, not really sure how and where to put my limbs, so we end up in a strange wrestling position, his arms around my knees and he´s as hard as I am, I can feel his cock against my thighs. I moan at the touch and I move further down, try to settle myself against him but obviously that´s not how this is going to work.  
“Please Oliver. Sleep with me.”  
He swallows as he bows down to kiss me.  
“Okay... Just... I´m a bit afraid, Elio. I think... I want it to be pleasurable for you but you should know...”  
I roll my eyes. Ah fuck, I´m so impatient.  
“I know it might hurt. That´s why I bought this.”  
I stretch my arms and in a ridiculous act of crawling away without losing touch I open the drawer and produce both the condoms and the lube. Oliver´s skin dusts pink but he smiles.  
“Good boy... You really had a plan. Okay, give me this.”  
He opens the bottle and pours a significant amount of the fluid over his fingers, coating them thickly and I stifle a moan because the anticipation is too much.  
He will enter me with his fingers... _okay, we´ve done that before, but anyway... there´s gonna follow more... and then... finally..._  
“Hnnggg...”  
I press my back into the blanket under me as Oliver begins to circle my opening. Gently and slowly his fingers move, barely touching at first. My cock lies heavy against my stomach, twitching with every other move and I close my eyes. I feel my reaction, how I crave to be entered, to be filled and Oliver escapes a tiny moan before he pushes one finger in until the first knuckle. I enjoy his every effort, there´s nothing new here - _one finger, two fingers..._ but then he seems to scissor them inside, reaching my sweet spot every other second and I begin to leak pre-cum, my moans get louder and I feel on the edge already.

He bows close and changes his pace.  
 _This... is... different._  
I´m way more open and warm and my muscles react to his moves in a very sensual way, still I long to be touched, and my cock feels as if it´ll burst with tension any second now.  
Oliver takes his fingers away and I feel his hardness at my entrance. He strokes my chin, my throat, he kisses my earlobes and I hold on to him for dear life, pull him... pull him...  
“You ready?”  
“Mmmh...”  
I nod.  
 _Oh yes, I´m so ready. Just do it..._  
 _Fuck!! Wha... ???_  
I whimper and my eyes fly open and then I can´t hardly breathe. Oliver stills and holds my face in his palms, looking at me intently.  
“Elio?”  
“Mmmh...”  
I bite my lips and pull a face.  
“Did I hurt you?”  
“Not you, but I´m afraid it stings...”  
He nods and cautiously puts all efforts in not moving at all.  
“That´s what I meant. I can pull out, we can stop.”  
“No. No. Please... I want to try...”  
He breathes the air out slowly but nods.  
“Okay. I tell you what to do: you need to relax. It´s going to hurt a bit in the beginning, but it will fade.”  
 _How the fuck am I supposed to relax now?_  
“Can I do something?”  
The stretch is one thing but the stinging drives tears into my eyes. That´s not what I´ve expected.  
“Yes, you can. Relax and... okay, that may sound weird, but in fact it would help if you try to push against me. Like... if you´d try to push me out.”  
“Uhm... why? That doesn´t make sense.”  
“Yes I know. But it helps. Try.”  
“Okay.”  
I do so. I breathe and I close my eyes and he kisses me and he whispers into my ear how he loves me and I feel myself relax. And then he moves again and I do as I´ve been told. And – it works. It still feels strange. I push and he moves further and...

He looks at me tenderly, reading all my thoughts in just one second.  
“You don´t like it...”  
Oliver´s not one to get over someone. He knows exactly what´s going on and so I nod, sadly.  
“It feels... I´m so full and I don´t know...”  
“Yes. That´s exactly how it feels. I know, love. It´s okay.”  
He cautiously pulls out and enwraps me in his arms. We kiss and I feel stupid.  
“Don´t worry. We try again sometime.”  
Oliver grins, holding up the lube.  
“Unless...”  
I make a face. He draws me close and bites playfully at my throat, sucking the thin skin in.  
“You´d want to try the other way round.”  
“What?”  
He shrugs.  
“I´d have nothing against you in me...”  
“Oh...”

Strangely I´ve never thought about it this way. For me, it was always clear that he would be the one making love to me. But yes...  
Oliver looks down on me, grinning.  
“Your cock seems to be interested.”  
“Well, wait for the day it speaks to you.”  
We wriggle and giggle and kiss and somehow everything gets messy and wild and then I´m on top and he helps me to pull on the condom and as he leans back, his thighs opening up for me so effortlessly, I am filled with utter love for Oliver. I enter him with ease, he´s either very aroused and ready for me or it might have to do with experience. I don´t care, it feels heavenly. I can´t hold on very long though and as soon as he takes his cock into his hand and starts pumping, I come undone, shooting my lust into the condom and he follows shortly after.

In the evening we go to see a movie, but all I can see is him. I don´t know what the movie was about, I just studied every wrinkle, every pore, every inch of him until I have him landscaped in the securest corners of my mind.


	12. The audition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio and Oliver spend a lovely weekend in New York.  
> Elio applies at Juillard and ponders about his future oportunities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We´re heading to the end.  
> I loved this story so much and I´m grateful for the receipt it has. Just keep comments coming. I drink them in.   
> Have fun with this (short - I know...) chapter.

Rain. In New York.

Clear, the only weekend we´re here and we catch weather like this.

“I love it.”

smiles Oliver and nuzzles my wet hair.

“Mmmh, love your locks like this. You really should let them grow out a bit more.”

“You think so?”

“Hm. Jap, I see the future famous pianist you´ll be in some years from now and he has long luscious locks, bowing over his instrument, hitting the keys, playing these chords...”

“And hopefully you´ll be in the audience.”

“I will, Elio. Are you nervous?”

_Oh yes, very much._

* * *

The last six or seven months literally flew away. We built a snowman, we went hiking with my parents, we celebrated a wonderful Christmas, I even got to know Oliver´s aunt and uncle and it was okay. I can understand by now what he´s missing; they are hardworking people and almost only that. No time for emotional support, random cuddles or talks... He must have missed relation so much these past years and he still yearns and drinks in eagerly every possible connection that my family so effortlessly offers him.

Our love life also grew significantly. After the very first attempt we tried more often and by now I can´t wait to feel him inside again, it took some time, but soon it started out to be pleasurable and wonderful for both of us.

I feel like in an almost adult relationship sparse the fact that we don´t live together. Not for real. Most of the times Oliver sleeps over and after school we spent all our time together. I began to introduce Oliver slowly to my tiny circle of best friends and we are close now, meeting up at the movies or the ice-parlour (as Marzia claimed after the first weeks not having seen me anywhere anymore but school), and we even went to the pre-prom.

Had anyone told me one year before, I would stand here, midst Manhattan, in the rain, kissing a guy I sincerely love with all of my heart, I´m very sure I had at least laughed about it let alone believed it.

But here we are.

* * *

We keep kissing in the rain, before we set on our little city-tour. Surely Oliver knows all the places, at least that´s one thing he earned from living with his aunt and uncle.

“They have taken us to every possible museum and historical place ever.”

“Historical places... in New York?”

“Well yes... Like Liberty Island or such. But I guess you´d rather see the MOMA?”

I grin and we continue our walk.

Hand in hand, laughing, feeling free. This is a big city, this is where I plan to live. If the audition goes well... I´m a bit afraid my stage fright will hit full throttle plus I´ve never done anything like this before.

After the museum we head to a bagel shop where I can barely eat something but Oliver ushers me to a delicious cream cheese menu and a big Chai Latte.

“That tasted great. How do you know all these places? I mean... I know how. But... it just amazes me that they all seem to be the right place.”

Oliver stares at me, his lips parted into a loving smile.

“Wherever you are will be the right place.”

I sigh.

I did never feel better before and now, with my stomach satisfied and nourished, I´m almost ready to show everyone the piano masterpiece that is Elio Perlman.

When we arrive at the auditorium, Oliver kisses me firmly and whispers some “Toi, toi, toi” before he vanishes. My heart starts pounding again. The room around me for some moments loses shape and ground. I bury my face into my palms and start counting. I concentrate on the sounds that come from around me – the monotone clicking from the heater, a buzzing lamp, laughter from the outside and then from a far – music, single tunes colliding into a symphony. I breathe slowly. Someone calls out my name and I find my legs still carrying me although they are wobbly as hell.

* * *

“I didn´t even see you. There was just black and that single spot, I thought I´d get blinded. Jesus, they do everything to have you intimidated.”

I´m still a mess of shaking limbs and my words seem to have their own life escaping my mouth between hasty breaths.

“Intimidated? Says you. The one who intimidated everyone else in that room.”

Oliver snickers. He takes me into his arms and slowly I calm down.

“You think so?”

“Definitely. They were all in awe. Even I could see that and I don´t call myself an expert in music. You made it. If I´m sure of anything, then it´s that.”

We go to bed late that evening. My mind is still whirring with ideas and sounds and anxiety again and although I´m safe and sound, curled against Oliver spooning me from behind, I set up new scenarios.

_What will happen if I didn´t make it?_

_Can I try again next year?_

_Would I go back to school, maybe choose another study project?_

_And even more important than that: If I´m being called out, if I´m really moving to New York, what does that mean for Oliver and me?_


	13. Prospects of a new life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the audition Elio receives a letter from the Julliard School of Arts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter before the epilogue.   
> A short one, I know...
> 
> For all who stuck with me and this story: Thank you so much for reading and commenting.  
> Hope you enjoy the last few miles of this ride. 😘
> 
> And let me know what you think of this chapter. Or the story in whole.

I´m weighing the letter in my hand. I´m too scared to open it. My heart wants to beat out of my chest.

But I´m not ready yet.

I put it back to the stack of papers on my desk.

* * *

“What´s going on in your head, Elly?”

I don´t know exactly when Oliver invented that nickname, but I guess it started when we came back from New York. He must have overtaken it from my parents who call me something like that from time to time, but when he says it it feels different. I feel desired and handsome and loved, and truly his.

“Lots. You know, as always.”

“Hm... don´t wanna tell me then?”

I sigh. He knows it anyway.

“I guess I´m just overwhelming myself with it. Too much thinking. I finally received the letter... from Juilliard...”

“Oh! And???”

His eyes widen in expectation.

I shrug my shoulders.

“I don´t know. I don´t dare open it. I really want to go. But what if it says no... I mean, that wouldn´t be the end. I could try again. Or I´ll think of another study subject. But...”

“Elio...”

He wraps me into his arms and pads my shoulders lightly.

“Too much thinking. I´m pretty sure they accept you. Why are you so afraid? You were absolutely awesome. And you are truly gifted. I wish I had something like this, to play with such passion...”

“Hm... that´s the other thing. What if... what if I get accepted?”

He holds my face some inches away from his, brings our eyes at level.

“How do you mean?”

“Well, that means I´d go to New York. And you... you´ll be here. I´m afraid of that mostly.”

My voice breaks and I feel tears dwell behind my lids. Oliver looks at me as if I´m an alien or at least someone he´s never seen before.

“Are you telling me you are afraid to go to New York because of me?”

“Basically...”

The expression on his face saddens immediately. He backs away some inches and looks at me intently.

I stumble over the words, but now definitely is the moment we need to talk about it.

“Yes. I´m afraid. See... we would be so far away from each other and... I feel like we´ve just begun and I´m so grateful to have you in my life... Oliver... I... I just don´t want to lose you. I don´t...”

He shakes his head and again I feel like I´m not of this earth, the way he looks at me.

But then he starts to smile, to laugh. He´s laughing... _really... what??_

“Don´t laugh at me, please... I really mean it.”

I´m offended. _Why is he laughing?_

“Oh sweetheart. Come here.”

He pulls me close and pecks my lips softly. I sigh.

_This is what I want. And I´m not ready to give it up._

Oliver whispers softly into my ears:

“What if I say I´d have a little surprise in store for you?”

“Hm?”

I look up and he winks. He´s so sure, he must have a plan, but I can´t figure out.

“How do you mean?”

Oliver cuddles me close and ruffles my hair.

“Did you think I´ll let you go to New York just like this?”

“Well... I don´t know...”

“Elio... do you want me to open the letter? And then we´re gonna decide what happens. And maybe... no, not maybe, I´m very sure because I just know they accept you... I´m gonna tell you about my plans then.”

I can´t understand but I feel better. I nod and take the letter from my desk.

Hand it to Oliver and watch how he rips the envelope open and enfolds the paper. My heart is thudding wildly and I can barely keep my feet still, I shuffle as his eyes wander along the words and a big wide smile forms on his lips.

Eventually, after what felt like forever he looks up and all I can see in his eyes is pride and joy.

“Congrats Elio. You made it.”

_I can´t believe it._

“Really? No. Let me see... I... what???”

I need three attempts to read and finally understand and then the truth settles in my mind.

_I´m going to New York._

_I will be a student at the Julliard School of Arts._

_I will study the one thing I love._

_I made it._

_I truly made it._

“But... what about us?”

I swallow and let the papers sink. There´s lots about financing and organization, starting dates and all that stuff, but right now I can´t concentrate.

_In three months I will leave._

Oliver grins and leans over his rucksack. He pulls out a stack of papers and taps at the mattress.

“Come here. Sit.”

I do and he pulls out something from his bagpack, handing the papers to me.


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio´s and Oliver´s future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the very short epilogue to this story.  
> Thanks for every one who joined me on this ride.  
> This was my first story written for this fandom, and I´m really grateful to be here and share the love for these guys.

“New York in the summer.”

Oliver sighs and takes a bite off his bagel. We discovered the shop during our first week here and now we made it a habit to include it to our daily route: A walk down the streets to the bus station, catching coffee and bagels, saying goodbye for the day. When Oliver picks me up in the afternoon, I sometimes carry a stack of notes or even a violin with me. One of my teachers found I had a thing with strings and so I´m trying.

When I finally understood that Oliver long had applied for a place at the NYU, it had been a revelation. We spent our last weeks at school planning and organizing, preparing and searching for a flat. Oliver took me to the prom and we had a real bad hangover for two days after that. But it´s been worth it. I even finished English Literature with a C+; I owe that one to Oliver. As well as he owes me his B in Scientific Class.

This year could not have turned out better. I had never asked for anything more, I had never wished or dreamt. But now it´s all come true.

And he´s here with me.

_~ The End ~_

**Author's Note:**

> I´m taking requests.  
> Just e-mail me at:  
> embersandturquoise@gmail.com


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